The Big Fat Baby Conundrum

This is a hard one for me to write about. Pre-cancer me was definitely not ready for babies. I had only just finished university and had only been married for 4 months when we were given the diagnosis. But the "Big C" kinda throws your whole life into disarray and I guess the one good thing is it really brings everything into perspective. After all, in the end it's not money or a career that's going to be holding your hand, it's your family.

Based on the scan results, my doctors wanted me to have radiotherapy and chemo before having surgery. They had hoped this would shrink down the tumour and potentially I could have had less invasive surgery and potentially avoided having a stoma. However, radiotherapy to my pelvis would have put me into menopause and fibrosed my uterus, so even if we managed to freeze some eggs, I would never have been able to carry a pregnancy and the only way of ever having children would be to find a surrogate (a medico-legal grey area in the UK and I don't have a sister) or adoption.

Well, to be told this at 25 is nothing short of devastating. To this day, eight months after diagnosis, brings on the waterworks.

The alternative was to have surgery first, hope that the surgeons were able to reconnect my bowel and then if necessary, have further treatment afterwards. What an impossible decision. I wanted to go for this option as there was a chance after surgery, I would be cured. My husband wanted me to have the radiotherapy and chemotherapy first; he just wanted me to have the best chance of beating this thing, he didn't want to be a widow at 25.

We were in complete turmoil. Luckily, we saw an oncologist who encouraged us to have the surgery first. Then if I needed chemotherapy / radiotherapy, it would be based on results from the pathology lab rather than just images on the screen (the radiologists were never completely convinced the nodes were positive, apparently they argued a lot over it).

I had my surgery on 17th December 2014, the tumour was about 4 cm across in diameter and two lymph nodes in the immediate tissue surrounding that part of the bowel were also positive for cancer cells. However, crucially, there was a clear margin of normal tissue around the tumour and lymph nodes. This meant that although I would need chemotherapy to make sure there were no tiny spread of the cancer elsewhere in my body, I would not need radiotherapy. I will never forget the day my surgeon came rushing into my room to tell me the news. I think he was as pleased as I was. The relief was overwhelming.

Unfortunately, that is not the end of my fertility woes. The issue you see, Oxaliplatin is really only used in bowel cancer and most bowel cancer patients are much older than me and therefore have already had children or completed their families. Because of this, there is very little data on how Oxaliplatin affects female fertility. I have searched high and low on the internet - from scientific journals to bowel cancer forums and thus far, I have only found one woman, I think in Australia who got pregnant naturally after completion of her treatment. My oncologist reckons Oxaliplatin has a moderate to low risk of gonadotoxicity (poisoning my lady bits so I become infertile). Well, the uncertainty is killing me.

Before starting treatment we did go through one cycle of IVF in order to freeze some embryos as a back up. We managed to freeze one embryo. I know one is better than none, but given the low success rates of IVF, I'm not holding much hope if I'm honest.

Unfortunately, I'm also at that age where everyone is either getting married or having babies. Whilst I am delighted for all my friends, all the baby pictures on facebook always makes me cry.

I guess at this stage, the more important thing for me is to focus on getting to the end of chemo and then to get myself fit and well again before even thinking about babies. But it's hard, so incredibly hard. Everytime I have another round of chemo I try to think positively and not think of any potential effects on my fertility.

Ah and here come the waterworks. I'm starting to cry now, so best to log off and think happy thoughts instead!

The Joys of Chemo Part 3

A bit quiet on the blogging front recently - not because I didn't want to, in all honesty it's because I've had nothing to talk about and I didn't want to write lots of posts with essentially the same content. That would just be a little bit boring for everybody involved.

The thing no one told me about going through chemo is how utterly bored I would get. Some days, the only person I speak to all day is my husband. Thank goodness I have Alfie (the dog) otherwise I'd probably be half way to LaLa Land by now. Most of my friends work the normal 9 - 5 (cue Dolly Parton now singing in my head) and Helen the BFF who works shifts and actually could spend time with me mid-week, lives all the way in London.

I really should have used my time off a little more productively and studied for some professional exams - but rather unsurprisingly my motivation is at an all time low. Instead, I've watched the entire back catalogue of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (UK and USA), as well as all his cooking videos. I also started watching Hell's Kitchen - but the bitchiness and fighting got a bit tedious, although I did manage two entire seasons of that as well. I'm currently working my way through the myriad of beauty tutorials on YouTube.

More worryingly, I seem to have memorised E4's daytime schedule and know exactly when my favourite programmes are on and when to tune in...I think that signals I am well and truly a part of the daytime TV army! At least I haven't resorted to Jeremy Kyle yet...at least not on a regular basis.

Another problem with all this spare time on my hands is all the thinking and ruminating I seem to do. I feel like chemo has drastically changed my appearance, perhaps I'm worrying too much about it because I have nothing else to do. I wouldn't describe myself as vain, but I liked to look after myself and admittedly, I always feel much more confident when I'm well dressed and make up done. Pre-cancer me ate well and went to the gym 3 - 4 times per week as well as walking the dog everyday. Since my operation in December, I have basically eaten nothing but junk food and done nothing but sit on my bum,which has widened considerably. Thanks to modern anti-emetics (anti-sickness medication), I still manage to eat even during the first few days after chemo when I'm feeling the sickest. My sense of taste and the sensation of my tongue is greatly altered in that I can't really taste anything and my tongue is pretty much numb, so all I crave is sugary and salty foods, which definitely doesn't help the waistline!

I've put on roughly 7kg since my operation and I'm now the heaviest I've ever been and I'm quite uncomfortable with that. None of my clothes fit and I don't have the funds to buy new clothes!

Well, onwards and upwards I suppose, cycle 9 is due this week; fingers crossed my bloods are all in order so it goes ahead as planned!!