The Big Fat Baby Conundrum

This is a hard one for me to write about. Pre-cancer me was definitely not ready for babies. I had only just finished university and had only been married for 4 months when we were given the diagnosis. But the "Big C" kinda throws your whole life into disarray and I guess the one good thing is it really brings everything into perspective. After all, in the end it's not money or a career that's going to be holding your hand, it's your family.

Based on the scan results, my doctors wanted me to have radiotherapy and chemo before having surgery. They had hoped this would shrink down the tumour and potentially I could have had less invasive surgery and potentially avoided having a stoma. However, radiotherapy to my pelvis would have put me into menopause and fibrosed my uterus, so even if we managed to freeze some eggs, I would never have been able to carry a pregnancy and the only way of ever having children would be to find a surrogate (a medico-legal grey area in the UK and I don't have a sister) or adoption.

Well, to be told this at 25 is nothing short of devastating. To this day, eight months after diagnosis, brings on the waterworks.

The alternative was to have surgery first, hope that the surgeons were able to reconnect my bowel and then if necessary, have further treatment afterwards. What an impossible decision. I wanted to go for this option as there was a chance after surgery, I would be cured. My husband wanted me to have the radiotherapy and chemotherapy first; he just wanted me to have the best chance of beating this thing, he didn't want to be a widow at 25.

We were in complete turmoil. Luckily, we saw an oncologist who encouraged us to have the surgery first. Then if I needed chemotherapy / radiotherapy, it would be based on results from the pathology lab rather than just images on the screen (the radiologists were never completely convinced the nodes were positive, apparently they argued a lot over it).

I had my surgery on 17th December 2014, the tumour was about 4 cm across in diameter and two lymph nodes in the immediate tissue surrounding that part of the bowel were also positive for cancer cells. However, crucially, there was a clear margin of normal tissue around the tumour and lymph nodes. This meant that although I would need chemotherapy to make sure there were no tiny spread of the cancer elsewhere in my body, I would not need radiotherapy. I will never forget the day my surgeon came rushing into my room to tell me the news. I think he was as pleased as I was. The relief was overwhelming.

Unfortunately, that is not the end of my fertility woes. The issue you see, Oxaliplatin is really only used in bowel cancer and most bowel cancer patients are much older than me and therefore have already had children or completed their families. Because of this, there is very little data on how Oxaliplatin affects female fertility. I have searched high and low on the internet - from scientific journals to bowel cancer forums and thus far, I have only found one woman, I think in Australia who got pregnant naturally after completion of her treatment. My oncologist reckons Oxaliplatin has a moderate to low risk of gonadotoxicity (poisoning my lady bits so I become infertile). Well, the uncertainty is killing me.

Before starting treatment we did go through one cycle of IVF in order to freeze some embryos as a back up. We managed to freeze one embryo. I know one is better than none, but given the low success rates of IVF, I'm not holding much hope if I'm honest.

Unfortunately, I'm also at that age where everyone is either getting married or having babies. Whilst I am delighted for all my friends, all the baby pictures on facebook always makes me cry.

I guess at this stage, the more important thing for me is to focus on getting to the end of chemo and then to get myself fit and well again before even thinking about babies. But it's hard, so incredibly hard. Everytime I have another round of chemo I try to think positively and not think of any potential effects on my fertility.

Ah and here come the waterworks. I'm starting to cry now, so best to log off and think happy thoughts instead!

The Joys of Chemo Part 3

A bit quiet on the blogging front recently - not because I didn't want to, in all honesty it's because I've had nothing to talk about and I didn't want to write lots of posts with essentially the same content. That would just be a little bit boring for everybody involved.

The thing no one told me about going through chemo is how utterly bored I would get. Some days, the only person I speak to all day is my husband. Thank goodness I have Alfie (the dog) otherwise I'd probably be half way to LaLa Land by now. Most of my friends work the normal 9 - 5 (cue Dolly Parton now singing in my head) and Helen the BFF who works shifts and actually could spend time with me mid-week, lives all the way in London.

I really should have used my time off a little more productively and studied for some professional exams - but rather unsurprisingly my motivation is at an all time low. Instead, I've watched the entire back catalogue of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares (UK and USA), as well as all his cooking videos. I also started watching Hell's Kitchen - but the bitchiness and fighting got a bit tedious, although I did manage two entire seasons of that as well. I'm currently working my way through the myriad of beauty tutorials on YouTube.

More worryingly, I seem to have memorised E4's daytime schedule and know exactly when my favourite programmes are on and when to tune in...I think that signals I am well and truly a part of the daytime TV army! At least I haven't resorted to Jeremy Kyle yet...at least not on a regular basis.

Another problem with all this spare time on my hands is all the thinking and ruminating I seem to do. I feel like chemo has drastically changed my appearance, perhaps I'm worrying too much about it because I have nothing else to do. I wouldn't describe myself as vain, but I liked to look after myself and admittedly, I always feel much more confident when I'm well dressed and make up done. Pre-cancer me ate well and went to the gym 3 - 4 times per week as well as walking the dog everyday. Since my operation in December, I have basically eaten nothing but junk food and done nothing but sit on my bum,which has widened considerably. Thanks to modern anti-emetics (anti-sickness medication), I still manage to eat even during the first few days after chemo when I'm feeling the sickest. My sense of taste and the sensation of my tongue is greatly altered in that I can't really taste anything and my tongue is pretty much numb, so all I crave is sugary and salty foods, which definitely doesn't help the waistline!

I've put on roughly 7kg since my operation and I'm now the heaviest I've ever been and I'm quite uncomfortable with that. None of my clothes fit and I don't have the funds to buy new clothes!

Well, onwards and upwards I suppose, cycle 9 is due this week; fingers crossed my bloods are all in order so it goes ahead as planned!!

Home Cooking: Carrot Cake with Cream Cheese Frosting

I make this a lot more than I should really. I'm a bit obsessed with cream cheese frosting. You have to use Philadelphia Cheese, other brands I find just turn too runny and it's more liquid than frosting.

I definitely do not have the skills required to pipe this on beautifully like a proper foodie blog, but I can assure you that this tasted amazing. I may or may not be eating cream cheese with a spoon...

Chemo: Round 7 of FOLFOX

So my neutrophils came back up, they were a bit borderline at 1.42 (they normally like neutrophils to be at 1.5 before giving chemo). But seeing as I'd already been deferred a week and was free of any signs of infection, my oncologist decided to go ahead with my infusion.

After a lot of soul searching, and quite a lot of tears from my mother, I've decided to carry on with my chemo. I guess the biggest question was the "What if". If I didn't carry on with my chemo and the nasty ended up coming back in a few years, would I look back to now and kick myself for not giving myself the best chance? Probably. Apparently I'm easily guilt-tripped by my family.

Overall, not feeling too terrible this cycle. The peripheral neuropathy is pretty intense in my fingers and toes. Nausea and acid reflux ever present, but I find the more I sleep in the first few days after my infusion, the quicker I seem to recover.

Roll on mid week when my bestie comes to visit!

Home Cooking: Banana Bread

My husband loves bananas, but only if they're still slightly green. As soon as they start to ripen and go black, he refuses to eat them. So I end up with loads of bananas getting riper by the day. I don't often make banana bread, but I really should more often because I hate wasting food. 

Super easy and totally yummy - although not that healthy so should probably share it rather than scoffing the whole lot myself!

This week I've been...

I've not been up to an awful lot actually. Hubby had planned on taking me on a day trip to the Lake District but with me being neutropenic, we abandoned those plans.

After going to S Club 7 last week and staying over at my friend's house, we saw how lovely his spare room was and that inspired us to redo our bedroom! When we moved in 5 years ago, we did it on pretty much a student, shoe-string budget the the room was in dire need of an upgrade.

Spot the dog....

We managed to re-paint in one day, re-arranged the furniture and hubby put up new curtains. That was a bit of a trial as the wall was a structural wall and our drill wasn't up to the job! Luckily, one of our neighbours has a hammer drill and kindly let us use theirs. As you can see, we still have a painting to go up on the wall. There's also a couple of bits of furniture coming from Ikea. All in all a much more grown up bedroom and I'm rather proud of us! Next to tackle the spare room...or the dumping ground as we've taken to calling it!

I did also go to the gym last week. Before the whole cancer thing I was a little bit of a gym bunny, couple of classes a week and a couple of gym sessions. Unsurprisingly, having chemo and surgery kinda gets in the way of these pursuits, but my lovely chemo nurses referred me for exercise so I basically get personal training sessions for very little money. I use the council gym anyway, so got personal training sessions with my Body Pump instructor who I've known for about a year, so that was lovely...kind of like hanging out with a mate but I'm sweaty and out of breath! It felt really good to get back into the gym as it's something I really enjoy. It's really important to me to keep trying to do things I enjoy and the gym used to be a huge part of my life and its a part that I desperately want back. Unfortunately, not long after my session I got the news that I was neutropenic and so I haven't ventured back to the gym yet. But at least I've started and once my neutrophils come back up, hell and high water won't be able to keep me away! If there's one positive thing to come out of all this, I really appreciate my body more and how it's come through surgery and getting me through chemo.

Have a great week and fingers crossed for my neutrophils coming back up!

Neutropenic but not Septic

So I was due Cycle 7 of chemo this week, but unfortunately my bloods showed that I am neutropenic. This means that my white blood cells which fight infection are low and I'm currently at high risk of infections. As a result of this, they have decided to defer my chemo until next week.

So I'm currently living in my own little bubble, I'm avoiding going out and about unnecessarily in order to try and avoid catching anything.

I don't feel much different, perhaps a bit more tired, but thankfully I seem to be pretty much symptom free. To be honest, I'm kind of relieved my doctors wanted to defer my chemo. I'm finding it really quite hard and this means I get another week of feeling well.

To be honest, I'm seriously considering refusing further chemotherapy. My oncologist said there was a trial of bowel cancer patients only receiving three months worth of chemotherapy rather than six months (so six cycles rather than 12 of FOLFOX chemotherapy). Unfortunately, this trial is still too early to change protocols or to make any difference to my treatment, therefore the plan was for me to get the full six months of treatment.

I'm not stopping fighting, I am just really fed up of chemo. The thought of not having any more brings tears of relief to be quite honest. My husband thinks I'm mad and would like me to have the full 12 cycles. but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make it. Every round makes me feel more poorly and weaker. I really admire the people who make it to the full 12 cycles. My surgery was classed as "curative" and I have now had a full three months (or six cycles) of chemotherapy. Honestly, I don't know. My loved ones obviously want me to have the full 12 cycles, but I am really hesitant to have any more. I'm just fed up.

My biggest fear in not having further rounds of chemo is for the cancer to come back in the future. Then I'd really regret this decision and I'd be kicking myself, so to speak. The fact that the cancer was also in my lymph nodes is the worry, it had already started spreading and what if there was a cell that managed to make it to my liver or lungs? What if? That awful question.

The problem with cancer, it isn't like other diseases where you take the treatment and it goes away. It leaves you with a fear forever. Most days I push that fear away, some days it's quite close to the surface. I'd like to go "meet my maker" in my 60s or 70s, preferably in my sleep, of course...I don't want to go in my 30s because I made a stupid decision not to have more chemotherapy.

This week I've been...

So I had Cycle 6 of chemo this week (only 6 more to go!!). It was pretty hard work and I felt quite tired and poorly for about 6 days after. My lovely mama came down from Scotland to keep an eye on me, made sure I was fed and watered since hubby was working all weekend.

For those who don't follow my inane tweets or instagram posts, I thought I could do a weekly round up of what I've been up to. Filling my good days with positive things is getting me through this chemo!

Monday felt well enough to go and have pub lunch with the hubby. With him working all weekend and then on nights, it feels like we don't see each other for like a week, so it was nice that we could spend some time together.

Home cooking again! Oven roasted mackerel with crushed baby potatoes and stir fried broccoli. Since being diagnosed with bowel cancer, we've been trying to avoid processed foods and red meat as it's linked with bowel cancer. I really, really miss steak and will probably incorporate bits of red meat back into my diet later, but for now I'm rediscovering my love of fish. My dad has gout arthritis, so I was basically brought up on fish and chicken. But when I headed off to university, fish pretty much dropped off my diet because I saw it as fiddly. This is a recipe out of one of Gordon Ramsay's books and it's stunning, I can get it on the table in about 20 minutes and it only costs around £3 a portion. Fish is sustainable and incredibly cheap compared to meat and even my fussy husband eats this happily.

 I voted! Yes, I'm one of those horrible people who took a selfie outside their polling station. #SorryNotSorry I think it's incredibly important that we vote and take the opportunity to make our voices heard, regardless of political viewpoints. The 18 - 35 age bracket are the least likely to turn out to vote, yet we are the ones who work under the new government, pay taxes etc, you'd be silly not to put your 2 cents in! As a woman, you can't let all the work the suffragettes did go to waste by not exercising your right to vote!

We went to see S Club 7 in Manchester!! It was a lot better than I expected, they did all their greatest hits and a couple of other tunes. I was worried they'd all be rubbish and it would taint my childhood memories but they were definitely very good. Very obviously singing along to pre-recorded backing tracks, but we really enjoyed it. Got me a bit misty eyed and nostalgic in the end ha! Here are some more snaps from the night.

Have a great week everyone! It's chemo time again on Thursday.

It's All About the Juice

The world seems to have gone juicing crazy. Everywhere I look, I seem to see super fit people sipping on suspicious looking green concoctions.

I have no problem with anything that makes people get more fruit and veg, that can only be a good thing - right? Although I do worry this is another flash in the pan kind of phase.

In saying that though, I would love a Nutribullet, it looks pretty awesome, I wonder if it really does pulverise everything as well as they claim.

If anyone wants to be my Fairy Godmother/father and get it for me that would be great heehee. 

I can see me using this on days where I'm not really feeling my usual eggs or yoghurt for breakfast. Wonder what it would add to my grocery bill though!

Home Cooking: Spicy tomato and Prawn Tagliatelle

I'm in no way a "foodie". I enjoy fine dining or a cheeky Mcdonalds equally, just depends on my mood.

I do however, really enjoy cooking. I want to be "the mum that bakes the best cookies". (Did I mention I had issues about always wanting to be the best?)

This is one of my absolute favourite meals, it's quick, easy, fresh and relatively fuss free. I can get it on the table in about 20 minutes.

So simple yet completely satisfying. I usually serve with garlic bread because my husband loves the stuff, but this time I had an olive ciabatta loaf hanging around, so that was my accompaniment. Probably quite high on carbs for those of us still on waging a war on carbs, but I believe that moderate portion sizes are key and probably won't do me any harm.

Following in that theme, this was our dessert.

Cappuccino torte from Waitrose

I am lucky enough to have a lovely neighbour who looks in on me when I'm feeling poorly and brings me nice treats. This is a cappuccino torte courtesy of Waitrose (one day when I make more money than I do now, all my food will be from Waitrose...or Booths...but then I'd have to pretty much be a millionaire).

I just had Cycle 6 of chemo yesterday, so at the moment I can only dream of such lovely food. Feeling not too bad really, a lot of muscular pain and poor appetite, generally fatigued, but definitely not the worse I've felt so can't complain too much!

Here is my obligatory chemo selfie

Cycle 6 of FOLFOX

Incidentally, this nicely brings me to the halfway point of my chemo! The final countdown has begun!!

The Sun is Shining

Well seeing as the last post got a bit emotional and deep, I thought I'd just share some of the good stuff I get up to during my good days off chemo.

After a round of chemo, I generally get roughly a week of feeling just about normal, a little bit of muscular pain, mostly in my shoulders and back (maybe from being laid up initially?) and a bit fatigued but, I manage to get about and live a bit of a life. I'm trying to fill my well days with positive and happy activities, that way hopefully the bad days speed by.

Luckily, the weather is getting better which means I'm managing to get out a bit with the dog. No where special, just our local park, but there's a lot to be said for simply getting yourself out for a walk. The act of putting one foot in front of another really seems to have the most amazing effect on my mood. It is hard work, I get tired and breathless, but there's plenty of benches for me to have a sit and recover on. I've long said exercise is a very under utilised anti-depressant!

Happy as a pig in muck

A little slice of heaven

What's life without a bit of what you fancy? I came across this Nutella Mug Cake recipe online....rather dangerous if you ask me, cake in literally 5 minutes.

I made if even naughtier by adding extra thick cream on top. I must be the only cancer patient to put on weight! Better start watching what I eat!

The Joys of Chemo Part 2

The thing is with chemo, it doesn't matter what the doctors tell you, it doesn't matter what I write here, no one can ever tell you how it will feel. Sure, the doctors can tell you to expect nausea, fatigue...tired. But what do those words actually mean? As someone who was reasonably fit and healthy before all this, all I can say is, the doctors have made me feel crappy. The logical side of me knows that this is all temporary and it's for the best, but that doesn't get me through the horrendous heart burn, being too tired and weak to even get myself a cup of tea or the feeling of being completely and utterly useless.

You see, as someone who has worked hard all my life to get to where I wanted to be, to suddenly feel useless takes some getting used to. I'm sure my loved ones will tell me I'm being ridiculous, but I feel pathetic. I want to get up and go for a run (one of my most loathed hobbies, might I add), I want to cook dinner, I want to have the appetite to eat my dinner. Really, I'm just feeling rather sorry for myself at the moment and that does not sit particularly easily for me. I know it's preposterous, but I feel like I'm letting my loved ones down, but more than that, I feel like I'm letting myself down.

Never in my life have I let an obstacle get in my way, each set of exams or hardships in my life was just another conundrum to be figured out and worked around. Except now, now I feel like I'm languishing in a sort of "no man's land". My career is adrift for the next few months, my life plans are at the mercy of my doctors and I feel like I'm just wishing away the next year or so of my life. I wish I could say this diagnosis has made me a better person or more positive. Perhaps in time, it might and teach me to live life to the full. But if I said that now, I'd be lying. In the deepest recesses of my mind, if I allow my mind to wander too much then there's fear, an overwhelming, crippling kind of fear that paralyses me and makes me weep. I fear for my future, my health, but most of all I fear for my loved ones. Dying is easy. It's the ones left behind that have to pick up the pieces and carry on. I worry for my husband, I worry how my parents would cope. Of course, I am not terminal and I know I'm in a far, far better position than most. But still, if I allow it, the fear creeps in.

When I was first diagnosed, my husband (still feels weird saying "husband". James and I have been together 7 years now, but only tied the knot July 2014) and I were referred to a psychologist. One of the issues identified is the worrier in me. I worried about everyone. I worried about James going on the motorway to work - even though this a journey I took myself, almost on a daily basis. But I worried about him getting into an accident, but I never once thought of myself being hurt. I worry incessantly about everyone I care about. Yet, it was me to get sick. It was me that would cause everyone to worry. Anyway, from this my psychologist wanted me to explore "mindfulness". Essentially, a way of pushing away my dark thoughts. After all, just because my mind goes to dark places, does not mean it will happen.  Funnily enough, I recently saw an article in the daily mail about the "mindfulness diet". Something about being aware of what you're putting in your mouth and never having to diet again. Not sure what my psychologist would say about that really.

So here it is, if you got to the end of my rather long winded, waffly and let's face it self indulgent post; thank you. Maybe I'll even give this whole mindfulness thing a go and see if I never need to diet again - I mean change my way of thinking so I don't worry so much anymore.

Incidentally, today is Monday Cry-day. It's my first day off steroids after my FOLFOX infusion and I always find something silly to have a weep over - last week it was because the steroids were making my face puffy, this week I let the dark thoughts tumble out in a cacophony of tears and rather attractive snorting over the telephone to my poor mother. So let's the this post with a little bit of positivity, here's a rather nice car selfie, taken on my way to a genetics appointment (more on that later) and one of my beloved pooch Alfie.

My husband hates all my selfies, he thinks they're attention seeking and he seems to think I'm too social on social media. Stuff him I say! When you're feeling rubbish, a girl should capture when she looks good! 

The Joys of Chemo

Cycle 5 Chemo Selfie

So, my surgery went really well and they got clear margins around the cancer, so I'm having chemo to make sure no sneaky cancer cells made their way into my lungs and liver. There was nothing to suggest this on my scans, but sometimes the cells are too small to pick up on scans.

My doctors have me on the FOLFOX regimen which is three different drugs, every fortnight I go to the chemo unit and have an infusion which lasts 2 hours and then I go home with a pump full of Fluorouracil which lasts a further 36 hours.

36 hour Fluorouracil Infusion

I just had Cycle 5 yesterday and I'm feeling pretty sleepy. First few days after chemo is pretty hard work. I'm very tired, sickly and generally a bit miserable. Luckily, this only lasts a couple of days and I get roughly a week of feeling myself and I can get out and about before the next round. I suffer quite a bit with peripheral neuropathy, basically any cold stimulus to my hands or feet sets of intense pins and needles and I can't drink any cold drinks because it causes my throat to go into spasm. Cold air tends to do the same with my throat. 

You know the worse thing? When you're told you can't have something you just want it so much more! So here I am craving orange juice! Roll on August (last round of chemo is due July 23rd) when I can have ice cream!!

The first post and the Story so far

Hello and welcome to my blog, lemme quickly catch you up.

November 2014 - Diagnosed with Stage IIIA rectal cancer
December 2014 - Surgery to remove roughly a third of my bowel (Abdomino-perineal resection with permanent colostomy - 2 lymph nodes positive for cancer, but clear margins)
January 2015 - Emergency IVF cycle for fertility preservation - one embryo frozen
February 2015 - Started 12 cycles of chemotherapy, due to end July 2015

So that's pretty much it in a nut shell, pretty rubbish news and pretty rubbish couple of months, but I have my dog and my amazing husband and friends to keep me smiling.

Keep reading to follow me on my journey!