Neutropenic but not Septic

So I was due Cycle 7 of chemo this week, but unfortunately my bloods showed that I am neutropenic. This means that my white blood cells which fight infection are low and I'm currently at high risk of infections. As a result of this, they have decided to defer my chemo until next week.

So I'm currently living in my own little bubble, I'm avoiding going out and about unnecessarily in order to try and avoid catching anything.

I don't feel much different, perhaps a bit more tired, but thankfully I seem to be pretty much symptom free. To be honest, I'm kind of relieved my doctors wanted to defer my chemo. I'm finding it really quite hard and this means I get another week of feeling well.

To be honest, I'm seriously considering refusing further chemotherapy. My oncologist said there was a trial of bowel cancer patients only receiving three months worth of chemotherapy rather than six months (so six cycles rather than 12 of FOLFOX chemotherapy). Unfortunately, this trial is still too early to change protocols or to make any difference to my treatment, therefore the plan was for me to get the full six months of treatment.

I'm not stopping fighting, I am just really fed up of chemo. The thought of not having any more brings tears of relief to be quite honest. My husband thinks I'm mad and would like me to have the full 12 cycles. but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make it. Every round makes me feel more poorly and weaker. I really admire the people who make it to the full 12 cycles. My surgery was classed as "curative" and I have now had a full three months (or six cycles) of chemotherapy. Honestly, I don't know. My loved ones obviously want me to have the full 12 cycles, but I am really hesitant to have any more. I'm just fed up.

My biggest fear in not having further rounds of chemo is for the cancer to come back in the future. Then I'd really regret this decision and I'd be kicking myself, so to speak. The fact that the cancer was also in my lymph nodes is the worry, it had already started spreading and what if there was a cell that managed to make it to my liver or lungs? What if? That awful question.

The problem with cancer, it isn't like other diseases where you take the treatment and it goes away. It leaves you with a fear forever. Most days I push that fear away, some days it's quite close to the surface. I'd like to go "meet my maker" in my 60s or 70s, preferably in my sleep, of course...I don't want to go in my 30s because I made a stupid decision not to have more chemotherapy.